The beginning
November 21, 2020 - I needed to take this picture to remind myself why I don’t ever want to go back to drinking. This is how I looked behind my closed door, more often than not, during the first few months of sobriety. So broken.
Hello, friends! Tomorrow is a BIG day for me!!! Leading into tomorrow, I wanted to share some very vulnerable journal entries from my early sobriety. I’m not going to lie, it pains me to read the words the broken version of me wrote. I remember the pain and the heartache like it was yesterday. But it wasn’t! Because tomorrow I celebrate ONE YEAR of living alcohol free! It is the first of many, many years! If any of you are early in your journey of sobriety, I am here to tell you that it does get better. Keep going. You are worth it. Also, if reading these words hurts your heart, please know that these words do not reflect how my life is now. I can’t wait to share the love, light, and hope of my new and improved life, tomorrow!
September 29, 2020 - 1 full day sober
I don’t know what I’m doing. I have made and broken this promise to myself so many times that I already know I’m not strong enough to follow through. Inevitably I’ll start feeling better and forget the bad parts of drinking. I don’t know if this is going to be a permanent change. I don’t think I can stop forever. I just know I need to stop for now. I can’t keep breaking my own heart like this. The shame cycle is exhausting.
October 4, 2020 - 6 days sober
I start to feel panic when I think about an event that is coming up that I would have usually drank at. How will I have any fun?? How will I be relaxed?? Am I just going to become a lonely shell of a person? Or is that actually what I have been all along? I’m tired and sad. Everything feels heavy right now. Just waking up feels like it takes too much emotional energy. How am I supposed to be a good mom if I can’t even show up for myself?
October 13, 2020 - 15 days sober
This is the longest I’ve gone without drinking (minus my pregnancies) in probably 18 years! I actually have a sense of accomplishment. I also have that feeling of ‘now what?’. Is this forever? Can I do that? Do I want to do that? I don’t know.
November 21, 2020 - 54 days sober
I’m broken, I know that. I tell them I’m okay, but I’m not. As I work on repairing myself and putting the damaged (hurting) pieces back together, I fully know they are held together by the most fragile glue. The pieces of me that are growing and healing are acting as the glue, holding those still fragmented pieces together, but they are new themselves and are not able to carry the weight of the heavy, emotionally exhausting days. I’m learning to nurture myself and my healing journey and to treat it with the utmost respect; I’m learning to make my healing my top priority. I’m learning to not take the good days and positive growth for granted, because it is so very easy to get derailed when you have a sensitive soul like mine. I wonder if, in time, my soul will become stronger? Or maybe it will always be sensitive? I hope it becomes stronger, because to feel all the emotions all the time is so difficult and exhausting. Today I took on the burden of negativity from loved ones. It cost me my peace and joy. And I just feel so broken.
November 23, 2020 - 56 days sober
Today is a high anxiety day...not for any huge reason, just a bunch of minor ones (at least to the normal person). I’m not normal, though. I’m fighting with all my might to keep my anxiety in check as I worry about what might be. It is 5:35 pm and this would be the time that I would happily pour myself a drink (which would end up leading to several drinks) in order to dissipate the anxiety and make me lose focus of what is causing it. I’m finding the most difficult part of getting sober isn’t the actual “not drinking” part; that is coming fairly easily most days. The most difficult part is learning how to sit with myself when I am struggling. Learning how to control the anxiety by only using what I have within me. What’s within me right now is broken and feels too fragile to even try to tackle it.
November 24, 2020 - 57 days sober
Lucas is sick. I knew it yesterday. That’s what was causing me anxiety yesterday. I have this ridiculous sixth sense when it comes to the kids and them getting sick. Ugh. Sicknesses fuel my anxiety. Sometimes I think I am freaking crazy for getting sober DURING A PANDEMIC. I’m trying to find relief for the extra adrenaline coursing through my veins, making me feel like one big fidgety, worried, hot mess. The internal work is the hardest, because I am the only one that can tend to it and repair it. Old scars and pains that have been pushed down so far….because I don’t dream of speaking out when it first becomes necessary for fear of upsetting anyone or ruffling any feathers. That has been my greatest mistake….putting other people’s opinions of me before me, before my own happiness, and therefore shrinking myself into tiny boxes everywhere with everyone. Do I even know who the real me is anymore? I don’t. I have failed myself. But I won’t give up on myself any more.
November 25, 2020 - 58 days sober
Lucas is still sick. He seems to be improving a bit, but that darn fever is hanging on. He had a drive-thru COVID test today and we should have results in 3-5 days. Now we wait and stay secluded from the outside world. We’re actually getting quite good at that.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my anxiety today. When I initially stopped drinking, I quickly realized that I needed to do some tough inner work on myself. This led me to the Bible, meditation, yoga, reading many quit lit books, and being vocal to those I’m close with about the battle within. I know these things help me and provide a sense of calm for me, but as soon as I start to feel anxious or panicky about something, It’s like I completely forget about these tools I have. I need to learn to be diligent about it and committed to it. My soul deserves for my head and heart to choose me first. It deserves to be nurtured with those tools on a regular basis. It needs that attention for healing.
Later in the day….I’ve been thinking about how exhausting getting sober is. It is amazing how much emotional crap I have to wade through and work through. I don’t even have major traumas to work through...just minor ones. But my gosh, do they feel huge! I’ve also been thinking about how in order to achieve peace in sobriety, I have to work through the tough stuff and it has to be difficult...there really isn’t true, rewarding growth without some pain and discomfort along the journey. It’s the same with losing weight. It is a difficult, exhausting process and takes time to see and feel the effects of the work put into it, but it is absolutely necessary to put the hard work into it. No one else can do it for me and there is no easy button.
November 26, 2020 - 59 days sober
It’s Thanksgiving today. Lucas is still sick and we are still waiting on covid results. I have a feeling it is just some other random virus, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, which is why we had him tested.
This Thanksgiving is different than years prior because of covid, of course. We would usually stay at a hotel with Rob’s relatives for a couple nights and have catered Thanksgiving feast. There is definitely alcohol involved, and I was usually one of the biggest partakers in it. Because I am newly sober, and still working on the yuck that goes with it, it would have been really hard to sit through our normal Thanksgiving. In fact, I would have gone into the time with a highly anxious and irritated vibe. I know how it goes and I know I would be the oddball. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. But, that is not how our Thanksgiving was this year. This year it has been quiet, cozy, snuggly, and safe. So safe. It has made me feel protected and I am so, so thankful for that silver lining in having to stay home for the holidays. I have surrounded myself with fellow TLCers...through meetings, and texting, and social media. We have pulled through this day together, with gratitude in our hearts. I love that about TLC...so much encouragement and love for another. No one struggles or celebrates alone in TLC. Right now, they are my people. I trust them and look to them for support, laughs, and love. I try to be the same for them.
December 3, 2020 - Day 66
I realized this morning that it is getting easier. My thoughts are not always on drinking - the desire, the jealousy, the sadness. My days are really busy right now, so maybe that is the main reason...maybe I literally do not have time to think about drinking. I’m not entirely convinced that’s it though, because in the past I was planning what I would drink in the evening and daydreaming about it amid the daily chaos in our home. By chaos, I really just mean 5 kids, 3 of whom can be very needy and loud. I am going to try to pay attention to what my thoughts are of today and I will report back this evening. Doing this work for me. Doing this work for a better, more fulfilling life. Doing this to break the chains alcohol had wrapped around me for way too long. Doing this to have the freedom to create the most beautiful life that I deserve and my family deserves.
Afternoon reflections:
My thoughts get pulled in other directions so easily. I can set an intention to be better about something or to be mindful of something, but the moment my kids’ mouths open, it’s like my thoughts get pulled right out. At one point, in the middle of homeschooling with Ali, Lucas and Avery were fighting in the living room. It was over something so minor, but instead of focusing on Ali I found myself growing frustrated by the arguing in the living room and choosing a negative attitude even in the way I was talking with Ali. Then I paused, and the words “you don’t have to join” passed through my thoughts. Huh? Thank you Universe. Damn right! They are not in danger. They are not physically harming each other. They are just being whiny and obnoxious to each other. I can choose not to join their little circus and completely ignore them. Such a novel idea. Guess what? I did just that and the argument dissipated and within a minute they each moved on. I have got to stop hopping on every crazy train that comes near me. They are not all meant for me. I know which path my train is taking me and I have to stay the course.
December 17, 2020 - Day 80
My heart is heavy with grief today. It is pouring out into my body and I feel like the grief is pressing down all over me. I feel heavy and exhausted and my brain is so foggy. It’s been a little over 2 years since my Aunt Pat passed away from early onset Alzheimer’s. She was the absolute brightest soul - she spread laughter, love and joy everywhere she went. She had the best laugh; it was always music to my ears. If I quiet my mind, I can still hear it. I am so thankful for that. I could call her or sit with her and talk for hours...about absolutely anything. She was a safe space to land with all of my thoughts and dreams.
One of the gifts of sobriety is the ability to truly experience life. To see and feel all things clearly. As you can imagine, it is also a curse. Two years ago, when my aunt passed away, I was getting through everything by numbing out with alcohol. It was a tag-team effort. I stayed in the hard feelings for as little time as possible before I decided to tag alcohol in to take over and “deal” with it. The problem, of course, is that alcohol is a stupid sh*thead and it didn’t deal with it. It pushed my problems deep down within me until I found I was so heavy with sadness that I felt as though I could barely lift myself out of bed in the morning. Stupid, f*cking alcohol.
So now the real work begins. The real grieving has started, which means hopefully the real healing can happen. I don’t want to forget her. I don’t ever want to lose the sound of her laughter. It terrifies me to think I might. I don’t want her to be gone. I want to be able to talk through my sobriety with her. I want her to meet Lucas. I want Lucas to experience her love and light. I want to experience her love and light again. The weight of this pain feels crushing right now. I want to work through it, but I don’t want to lose her. Sometimes I forget she’s gone...it feels like she is just 5 hours away, living her life in Marquette. Then I remember. I f*cking remember.
There is a huge rainbow at the end of this storm! Hold on; tomorrow is coming. Hope is alive and thriving. Thank you for supporting me on this journey!
Until next time,
just be.
xo,
Lindy